August 24, the day when I experienced something really scary, I am sure it was 10 pm when I had an anxiety attack. It was not the first time that I had an anxiety attack but this was the first time that I couldn't control it myself. Anxiety attacks and OCD together are worse. It is like you don"t have control in your own self and you often react and do stuff you don't want to do. and sometimes you want to do something but you can't make yourself do it. It is a fight within yourself and with yourself. and it is scary because you can't even figure out yourself.
I always have these attacks usually when I have thoughts of being alone or when I get hyper or see a fight and it was that day, I got hyper but the difference was that it was my dad whom I yelled at that day. I hate those arguments when I know the person in front of me is 100% wrong and that day my dad was wrong, he was talking about stuff which I knew was completely false and it was turning into an argument. For a long time I tried just listening and not saying anything but as that argument was getting bigger I got more anxious almost hyper and when I knew it was all wrong. I tried keeping quiet but I couldn't, I couldn't stop myself and burst out. I tried talking in the best manner I could but next thing I know I yelled at him, my heartbeat was super fast and my mind went all blurry. I knew I did something nuisance. I knew I did something crazy but I couldn't face him and I turned my back and went out of the room. It only took seconds for me to leave room after yelling at him.but in those seconds I was lost inside me,everything was blurry,my heartbeat, it was so fast that I could not feel it and my breath was like I am in a deep sea where everything is dark and I cannot breathe even if want to.I tried inhaling air from my nose but I couldn't and my mouth was wide open trying to inhale the air as much as I can,it was like I am gonna die, In those milliseconds my brain was shut I was unable to notice where I am or what things are around me or who is around me all I could remember the thoughts.
the thought which was the only thing revolving around my head. It was the only thing which was getting to me without a hindrance.I m a bad girl. I am a bad daughter. I am a bad luck to them.I am nobody . I am such a fool . I am dying.it is better if I die.their life would be easier without me.I am no good.I m no good to anybody.die.die,I am alone.n obody is there for me.I am not important.they are angry.they do n't Ike me.I did something good but I did something bad.These all thoughts just caught me and I couldn't do anything. I tried yelling, calling my mom but I couldn't. It was like somebody caught my tongue. Everything was black in front of me and my hands were shaking .they were shaking so hard that I was terrified of myself and the thought I could only hear. The only thing which I could utter was "mom.water.mom.water".there was nothing else I could say and the only thing I could feel was my mom holding my hand tightly and telling me to breathe. Of course, it was really hard for me to focus on what she was saying and then breathing with occupied my brain. I was terrified of myself and shocked that what is happening to me I could feel the tears falling but I couldn't wipe them off. I could feel the glass of water which was shaking so bad that water could splash all over the place. I tried taking a sip but it was like that it is impossible.
I was scared, I was actually terrified more than scared because I do get attacks when I experience a fight or when I feel alone but I was always able to calm myself.I would lock myself and comfort my own self and try to think more positively.it usually takes 2 to 3 hours to calm down completely but this time I was unable to control or even figure out myself but this time I was normal in 10 minutes because when my mom hugged me I could feel her holding my hand and comforting me. I was terrified but I was so happy that this time, I had my mom beside me to comfort me. and it took 10 minutes to come back to normal. when I came back to senses I knew that I did wrong but I was terrified that why I wasn't able to control myself this time but I was also kinda happy that my mom was there, she was there.this how my scariest moment became a bit happy moment too. it's not like that I did not have attacks again.I did but they were minor attacks and I was able to control myself so I am kinda proud that I m being strong and helping myself but I did realize what its like to have no control over yourself.I did not need anything but that one hug made my hours a minute.
I shared my experience because I want you to help other when they need you,take care of them and if you went through this I just want you to know that you will be alright.You are a fighter in your own battle and you will only feel better when you'll conqure yourself,and it is better to ask help.I know it is so annoying when you are trying to tell what it is or what it is like but they don't understand and say yeah it is just ur mind shake it.But you know yourself so try comforting and motivating yourself, it will work.I love you and I respect you so much just remember that.Just accept it because it will teach so much :). love you millions :).
Help others and be kind to others .
Love you guys,Be safe.
****bubyee****
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