____ That One Minute Attack _____

August 24, the day when I experienced something really scary, I am sure it was 10 pm when I had an anxiety attack. It was not the first time that I had an anxiety attack but this was the first time that I couldn't control it myself. Anxiety attacks and OCD together are worse. It is like you don"t have control in your own self and you often react and do stuff you don't want to do. and sometimes you want to do something but you can't make yourself do it. It is a fight within yourself and with yourself. and it is scary because you can't even figure out yourself.

I always have these attacks usually when I have thoughts of being alone or when I get hyper or see a fight and it was that day, I got hyper but the difference was that it was my dad whom I yelled at that day. I hate those arguments when I know the person in front of me is 100% wrong and that day my dad was wrong, he was talking about stuff which I knew was completely false and it was turning into an argument. For a long time I tried just listening and not saying anything but as that argument was getting bigger I got more anxious almost hyper and when I knew it was all wrong. I tried keeping quiet but I couldn't, I couldn't stop myself and burst out. I tried talking in the best manner I could but next thing I know I yelled at him, my heartbeat was super fast and my mind went all blurry. I knew I did something nuisance. I knew I did something crazy but I couldn't face him and I turned my back and went out of the room. It only took seconds for me to leave room after yelling at him.but in those seconds I was lost inside me,everything was blurry,my heartbeat, it was so fast that I could not feel it and my breath was like I am in a deep sea where everything is dark and I cannot breathe even if want to.I tried inhaling air from my nose but I couldn't and my mouth was wide open trying to inhale the air as much as I can,it was like I am gonna die, In those milliseconds my brain was shut I was unable to notice where I am or what things are around me or who is around me all I could remember the thoughts.

the thought which was the only thing revolving around my head. It was the only thing which was getting to me without a hindrance.I m a bad girl. I am a bad daughter. I am a bad luck to them.I am nobody . I am such a fool . I am dying.it is better if I die.their life would be easier without me.I am no good.I m no good to anybody.die.die,I am alone.n obody is there for me.I am not important.they are angry.they do n't Ike me.I did something good but I did something bad.These all thoughts just caught me and I couldn't do anything. I tried yelling, calling my mom but I couldn't. It was like somebody caught my tongue. Everything was black in front of me and my hands were shaking .they were shaking so hard that I was terrified of myself and the thought I could only hear. The only thing which I could utter was "mom.water.mom.water".there was nothing else I could say and the only thing I could feel was my mom holding my hand tightly and telling me to breathe. Of course, it was really hard for me to focus on what she was saying and then breathing with occupied my brain. I was terrified of myself and shocked that what is happening to me I could feel the tears falling but I couldn't wipe them off. I could feel the glass of water which was shaking so bad that water could splash all over the place. I tried taking a sip but it was like that it is impossible.

I was scared, I was actually terrified more than scared because I do get attacks when I experience a fight or when I feel alone but I was always able to calm myself.I would lock myself and comfort my own self and try to think more positively.it usually takes 2 to 3 hours to calm down completely but this time I was unable to control or even figure out myself but this time I was normal in 10 minutes because when my mom hugged me I could feel her holding my hand and comforting me. I was terrified but I was so happy that this time, I had my mom beside me to comfort me. and it took 10 minutes to come back to normal. when I came back to senses I knew that I did wrong but I was terrified that why I wasn't able to control myself this time but I was also kinda happy that my mom was there, she was there.this how my scariest moment became a bit happy moment too. it's not like that I did not have attacks again.I did but they were minor attacks and I was able to control myself so I am kinda proud that I m being strong and helping myself but I did realize what its like to have no control over yourself.I did not need anything but that one hug made my hours a minute.

I shared my experience because I want you to help other when they need you,take care of them and if you went through this I just want you to know that you will be alright.You are a fighter in your own battle and you will only feel better when you'll conqure yourself,and it is better to ask help.I know it is so annoying when you are trying to tell what it is or what it is like but they don't understand and say yeah it is just ur mind shake it.But you know  yourself so try comforting and motivating yourself, it will work.I love you and I respect you so much just remember that.Just accept it because it will teach so much :). love you millions :).
Help others and be kind to others .

                                                       Love you guys,Be safe.
                                                          ****bubyee****

____ Imaginary world _____

Everyone has their own imaginary world. I know everyone does. If you don't have it,it means that you have a virtual world where you live in all the time :D.I have an imaginary world too actually it is more like a virtual world because whenever I think of something crazy or any moment I can actually see it and feel it (is it only me or you also feel like it).I guess I have rea ally strong imagination and I can't help it.I just love living in the world with everything around me is so crazy. and today is one of those days when I just can't get out of this world so I thought maybe I should share my imaginary world with you.My imaginary world does not consist of dragons or prince or any castle,it i s very realistic actually,(that's why maybe sometimes I feel that it is completely true).

Well let's start from beginning,in my world, I have a house not too big but it does have a pool in it and I actually am a great swimmer (Oh man!I can feel the water)In real life I really don't know how to swim and that I would love to learn in the future.I have a really close friend which is me myself.I couldn't see any person in this world who can know and comfort me much better than I can myself .So yeah I share stuff with myself and also give crazy idea and tips to myself(I know I went kuku there )but this is true who know you better than you do yourself. and I am really talkative so yeah I do talk to myself all the time. In my world, there is everyone whomever I met in my entire life and also those who I have never met like will smith, Chris Brown, joey and yeah they are really close to me. I can't see them close to me in real life coz I don't know how it would turn out :D.

                  I love pets but I never had one but If I ever do I will definitely have a bird a parrot maybe. A cuddling parrot that would be lovely. and I do have a small forest of my own where there are lots of cherry blossoms (I love cherry blossoms but I have never seen one). and yeah Do I have a boy in my world? yes, I do. He is not too cute but cute because He did win my heart .haha. He is not too perfect but he understands me and he listens to me and whenever I am sad he knows it. It's like he knows me much better I know myself. He is understanding and loves traveling just like I do And we have been to many adventures and every corner of the world. Well, I am not gonna give a lot about him because he is still an imagination lol.

                In my world, Every person I love is around me and I am not afraid of losing them because gonna stay there forever. And, I am someone important to everyone. I am a center of attention which I love.I love it so much that it gives me a warm feeling even in a real life. I guess that's why we have our own imaginary worlds which make us feel better even when we are feeling dull in this real life. But I believe if you don't really have unrealistic things in your world it might be your future. My imaginary world I believe is my future because it is more than an imaginary world, "It is a dream " and Insha Allah I will make it happen .. but until then I can make my Imaginary world even more beautiful and bigger. you know you are never too old to dream.

                                                        Love you guys. Be safe.
                                                              ***bubyee***